Friday, February 24, 2012
I've been bested. I've been bested in more ways than one. I throw in the towel. I'm beat, just do whatever you want. Its going to be all Lord of the Flies up in hur!
You ever have those moments when you just don't have any more fight left in you? I'm there. Teetering on the brink of insanity. Most recently, as in this very moment, Heidi is the cause. After nearly 2 months of her sleeping in a big bed she STILL will not regularly go to bed and stay there until a reasonable hour. To quote Scarface, "Just when you think you are out. They pulll you back in." She's been going to bed and taking naps pretty well. We finally seemed to end the 5:00-5:30 wakings where she tries to get into bed with us and kick us for an hour. Then out of no where, last night she was back at her escaping from bed and running into the boys' room. For over an hour. Then this morning she woke up at 5:30am. I got her back in bed and she cried for Daddy (she always cries for Daddy) and got in and out of bed for the next hour to an hour and a half. I just gave up and she ate breakfast. She is killing my soul. Crushing my spirit and really it should be the other way around.
To make matters worse the revolving door of illness that is February has not stopped. Either Heidi or I, or both, have been sick for the last month. Never the same illness but always something. Just when things settle, again someone gets sick. This week Heidi had one of those rogue fevers. No real symptoms but a fever and a crabby kid for a few days. Well, she's better and now I have it. This morning when I was fighting her to stay in bed I was standing in the hall sweating with an aching neck because my glands are swollen. Don't think Mike is an ass and was sleeping, he gets up at 5 to workout so he's in the basement the whole time.
Back to illness, its never the same thing. Ever changing and nuanced. Heidi had the flu even after the flu shot, then an ear infection. Her ear infection didn't kick in until Saturday night so instead of a visit to the peds office it was a trip to Urgent Care. Naturally. That whole week I was vaguely sick with a low grade fever. Once Heidi's ear infection was resolving and the antibiotics were doing their job I got strep throat. I had slow acting antibiotics and was still sick for a week. Then things were fairly normal for a bit but Heidi and Colin got a cough. Everyone was crabby but not sick sick. Then I finished my antibiotics and 2 days later got a new script because I now had a sinus infection. Then Colin gave Heidi chocolate so she was in gastric distress for a week. Then there was something else that I forget and then this fever and I just want it to stop. Heidi has missed 2 and a half weeks of school in the last month. AWESOME. I only get about 4 hours a week without kids and even that little bit of time was stolen from me by February.
But wait! There's MORE! I got a job doing a wedding. I was commissioned to do the bridal bouquets and the boutonnieres and corsages and fascinators. Yippee! It is very exciting and my first time doing it. Only problem? The wedding was in about 5 weeks. That meant I had to figure out how to do it, make approximately 73,095 little circles, singe the edges and fashion them into bouquets tout suite! No small feat when you are a. sick, b. taking care of sick kids, c. a stay-at-home mom, d. planning various other things (more on this in a minute) e. plus you just have to keep the wheels turning on life. After spending an absurd amount of time making this order I am finished. And spent. I took a million pictures yesterday so I put a listing up for future orders. I went into Lightroom to edit the pictures into perfection and the damn thing kept freezing on me. That was it. I nearly started crying. I can't even edit a damn picture! Then last night I couldn't fall asleep because I was trying to figure out how in the world to ship it all without destroying it.
Planning has taken over as well. March, as you know, is birthday month. This year both boys are having a birthday party. We wait until our kids turn 5 to have a party with friends. Seems silly when they are younger because do they *really* have friends at that point? Will they remember? No, not so much. That means I have to plan two birthday parties around Spring Break and I have a 2 day craft show in March as well. Oh and Raph is having his First Communion in April so I need to plan that as well. Plus all the other prep things that happen before then. I've been making reservations, invitations, addressing and mailing said invitations, planning meals for parties and working out the details of the cakes with the boys. (BTW, Heidi is crying at the moment. I can expect lots of that today) Then immediately following the Communion Mike and I are going on a trip. That is soooo far off my radar I haven't even thought about it at all. Oh #@$^! I just remembered. Goodie bags. Do I really have to make those? Everything goes in the trash anyway. I think I'm going to take a bold stand AGAINST goodie bags because they are stupid. Oh Q#@$% I just remembered, treats for the boys' birthdays at school. And one kid in Raph's class is allergic to the world, dyes and glue included. AND keeps keep having birthdays in Heidi's class. This means I have to make a batch of cupcakes or something every time. Or I could just be mean and have her eat animal crackers while everyone else gets a cupcake. That's mean, I just can't let that happen. At least her fever got me out of making some this week. Silver lining.
I am also planning our summer. We are renting a beach house with friends so there is the house search, coordinating schedules and finding one that is in a good location, not scary and a good price. Once that is settled I can start to figure out camps. The boys WILL go to camp this summer. I feel like my world is in the state of constant chaos. And if you remember I started a new work out routine (Brazil Butt Lift, don't laugh it rocks) but with the revolving door of illness it has been derailed. Then there are days when I actually have no kids, feel well and I just have to go grocery shopping and make some more freakin' circles. I think by Monday I should feel better and I can back track a week or so and start anew.
I'm just worn out. I don't have anything left. Today I would love nothing more than to sit on the couch and just watch some bad TV but that can't happen. Instead I'm sure I will have something to do and Heidi will be crying for the better part of the day because she has had no sleep.
At this point the everyday things just seem so hard to manage. Just meal planning alone is a bitch. I am so over planning meals around Heidi's restrictions. And I'm deflated because of her resent chocolate induced distress I can see that she's no where closer to outgrowing her allergies. The thought of eating out on our vacation is enough to make me break out into hives. And other little things weigh me down. Taxes. I had to gather all the stuff and send it off to the accountant. Since I now have a business that was an extra load of work. Plus then the accountant called and I had to provide other information that is impossible. Like the dollar value of the supplies I have on hand. WTF? I have no idea how to do that so I made up a number. I have a stack of things to attempt to sell, then donate. Waiting, cluttering up my basement, looking at me, judging me for inactivity. We've had tissue paper rectangles taped to the wall of our living room for about 3 weeks now. We have frames, the layout and yet we have not put nails in the wall to hang them up. Nor have I had any pictures printed for said frames. That just seems soooo far out of reach that fluttering tissue stays on the walls. I kind of like it. It reminds of a gentle spring breezes when the heat kicks on.
One highlight. I won a raffle. Not for any ol' craptastic prize either. It is a barrel of booze. I even got to keep the wheelbarrow! Best $20 I ever spent.